im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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