i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
