Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
