Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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