I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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