You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
