I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.