did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
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Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.