DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work