I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
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I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off