my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.