Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
