i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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