Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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