before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
