Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
