you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
please come you make the beer taste better
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
