haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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