oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
