Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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