so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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