If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
