I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
