Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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