They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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