its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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