She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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