I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have aggressive nipples.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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