i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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