this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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