i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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