Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
