census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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