She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
