I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
