Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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