I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
