I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
