Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
