If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
