Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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