The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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