dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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