So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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