Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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