It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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