If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
