And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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