it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
