im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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