I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
