i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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