saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
