Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
the raccoons are back...
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