you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
