Moan for me like Helen Keller
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
