a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I came so hard my ears popped.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
