When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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