member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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