Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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