You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
