I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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