Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
